Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
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My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.