Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
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[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I only look at Wordle for the articles
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm