[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
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I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes