*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
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[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
This is the one
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.