To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Sex so good you see dead people.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU