“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat