Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married