I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
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Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Lube but for my dry humor.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.