“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
You Might Also Like
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.