Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?