Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
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I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
thank god the sign was there
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.