KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
You Might Also Like
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.