I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
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My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help