I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players