Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
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So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening