That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
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God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*