“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
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[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Jokes on them. I took 10.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.