Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
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her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.