GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.