Hello Twits.
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Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Mission: Impossible
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad