Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
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The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Smells like a challenge to me
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”