Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro