You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
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Actually cracking up @ this
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi