Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
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*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.