I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
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Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
this is me
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Lassie, get help!
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?