Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!