I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.