[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
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Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
This January has 47 Mondays
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.