Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
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I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”