50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
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If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet