Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
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Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.