Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.