[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.