If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
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-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
When your man makes a valid point
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
oh shit
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
True
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.