My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
is this a warning or an offer?
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”