I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams