If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
You Might Also Like
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
lmaaaaaooooooooo
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”