My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
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{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
you gotta be faster
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?