Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
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I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?