I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
You Might Also Like
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
If snakes were wide
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.