did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
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To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine