My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.