Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
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“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
CUTE CAT‼︎
This might be me.
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The first matador
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.