Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold