Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
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My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.