Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
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Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad