Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
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Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.