my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
live long and prosper!
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better