*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
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There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
twitter users today:
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
You wish you had this many chins.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.