man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
oh you wanna fight?!
North and South
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I can’t deal with men any longer
That 👊
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
What personal space?
My dog
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?